Table Of Contents
Let’s have a little diversion from our normal content.
Here are some jokes to brighten up your day from:
1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3- Now find the N below. It’s a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
“Now this is the verbal part of your employment test,” said the interviewer. “Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?”
“Certainly,” replied the applicant. “It means I don’t get the job.”
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforcers.”
The principal saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?”
“Lollipops,” the teacher explained.
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.
“I can’t do that!” the lady said. “The sweater is a surprise!”
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here four and a half years ago.”
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. “What have I done?” I asked.
“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies.”
A lady went to a pet shop.
“I’d like to buy two yellow canaries,” she told the owner.
“We don’t have any canaries, but we have these,” the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
“That’s not what I’m looking for,” the lady stated.
But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, “Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren’t quite ripe yet.”
My daughter was six and excited about learning all the wonderful things about the world that first-graders learn. She turned to me one day and asked, “Mom, back in the old days when you were a kid, had they learned how to make the wheel?”
I replied, “No, Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire.”
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?”
The student replied. “BIG ones.”
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a police officer for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, “My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The second added, “My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, “Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.”
On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations for 7:00 pm.
Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, “I’m sorry, but all we have is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?”
“That’s fine,” Mom replied.
“Okay,” the hostess confirmed. Then she added, “Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table.”
THE WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN ON HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.
“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”
LIGHT BULBS
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turns itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, “I’ve lost an electron.”
The other asks, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” the first replies. “I’m positive.”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if they would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy’s your doctor.”
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. “It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ”… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “Holy Cow! A talking chicken!”
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
“Buffy,” she said, “how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”
“Ten,” said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
“Buffy,” she said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!”
“Yeah! So did I.”
When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, “My son is a lawyer.”
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
“Only to mow my lawn.”
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was inconvenienced when the phone went out of order.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill contacted the phone company and said there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine… except that all money was being returned on completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children’s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a “Contract” for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, “That other Librarian we had could write.”
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?” Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Instructor: “Isn’t it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?”
Parent: “Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to using the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner.”
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:
“What chair?”
When I went to McDonald’s, I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
“We don’t have a half-dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.
“You don’t?” I replied.
“We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
In a Seattle Washington college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, ‘What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C Section?’
School Truths:
No one fails a class anymore, they’re merely “passing impaired.”
You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the “exit delayed.”
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”
These days, a student isn’t lazy. He/She’s “energetically declined.”
Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”
Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”
You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.
“Right,” said the shrink, “We’ll just try a few simple tests. ” To the boy, he said “Say a few words - anything that comes into your mind.”
The boy turned to his mother and asked, “Does he want logically constructed sentences or just a few random and purely isolated words?”
Patsy offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of her next-door neighbor. She arrived in time to prepare breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. “Mother always serves hot biscuits for breakfast,” said the eight-year-old.
So, Patsy, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot biscuits, which she laid in front of the girl. “No, thank you,” she said.
“But I thought you said your mother always has hot biscuits for breakfast!” said Patsy in surprise.
“She does,” said the child. “But I don’t eat them.”
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Billy about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”
The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”
After careful thought, Little Johnny said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.
Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Jim Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine… except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!
There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
After a long pause, the “pilot” replied: “You mean, you’re not my instructor?”
A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.
“Well …they feel a bit tight,” replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk.
Theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” he replied
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.
“This is a very smart dog,” the man commented.
“Not so smart,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
Fractured Science
These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests:
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person’s chest, or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Here’s 21 reasons why English is so hard to learn:
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those as__ses deducted $95.00 in taxes.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”
With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings…and her clothes…and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”
Funny bumper stickers.
“IF YOU CAN’T FEED EM,
DON’T BREED EM!”
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
Illiterate? Write For Help
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
“POLITICIANS & DIAPERS
BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED,
AND FOR THE SAME REASON”
Can you raed tihs?
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Cold water clean dishes?
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, - “Are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied, - “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, - “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, - “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, - “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted …
“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”
The Bathtub Test.
It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
Good old Mom
Things my Mother taught me…
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning…”My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”My mother taught! me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way.”My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun an puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!!”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.”
A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
“Is it mine?”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
Tickle Me Elmo.
This happen at the Elmo Factory.
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the ‘Tickle Me’ Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The ‘Tickle Me’ Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of ‘Tickle Me’ Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”
“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren’t able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go off the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands…
SAYINGS …
“No one has ever loved anyone the way everyone wants to be loved.” ~Mignon McLaughlin
“Every man is the architect of his own fortune.” ~Appius Claudius
“Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.” ~ Thomas Edison
“So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?” ~Ayn Rand
“Books are hindrances to persisting stupidity.” ~ Spanish Proverb
“Sometimes its easier to ‘fire a client’ than to deal with energy-sucking people.
“Working harder is one thing, but working smarter is everything.” ~ Scott Weeks
“Half this game is 90 mental.” ~ Yogi Berra
“It’s a recession when your neighbor losses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” ~Harry Truman
“Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness.” ~ M. Hirschfield
“Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity.” ~Helen Schucman
“The flower that follows the sun does so even on cloudy days.” ~Robert Leighton
“Words without actions are the assassins of idealism.” ~ Herbert Hoover
“Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. ~Doug Larson
“If you wished to be loved, love.” ~ Seneca
“The road to success and the road to failure are almost exactly the same” ~ Colin R. Davis
“If you surround yourself with negative people, your income and life to quickly head into a downward spiral.
“There are two kinds of failures those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought.” ~Laurence J. Peter
“Let fear be a counselor and not a jailer.” ~ Tony Robbins
“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.” ~Mark Twain
“Vision without action is a daydream. Action with without vision is a nightmare.” ~ Japanese Proverb
“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
“Friendship is neither a formality nor a mode it is rather a life.” ~ David Grayson
“Genius is one of the many forms of insanity.” ~ Cesare Lombroso
“Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.” ~Malcolm Forbes
“The highest happiness of man is to have probed what is knowable and quietly to revere what is unknowable.” ~J. von Goethe
“There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.” ~ Mark Twain
“Seek the lofty by reading, hearing and seeing great work at some moment every day.” ~Thornton
“Instant gratification takes too long.” ~ Carrie Fisher
“Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats.” ~Howard Aiken
“It’s amazing what ordinary people can do if they set out without preconceived notions.” ~Charles Franklin Kettering
“Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.” ~Sir Richard Steele
“Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit.” ~Napoleon Hill
“Words have a longer life than deeds.” ~ Pindar
“There Are Three Kinds of People - Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can’t.” ~Anonymous
“The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.” ~ Mark Twain
“Be happy while you’re living, for you’re a long time dead.”~ Scottish Proverb
“The populace is like the sea motionless in itself, but stirred by every wind, even the lightest breeze.” ~Titus Livius
“What we call results are beginnings.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Eliminate something superfluous from your life. Break a habit. Do something that makes you feel insecure.” ~Piero Ferrucci
“The wise man has long ears and a short tongue.” ~ German proverb
“Not life, but good life, is to be chiefly valued.” ~Socrates
“The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.” ~Hubert Humphrey
“The greatest motivational act one person can do for another is to listen.” ~Roy E. Moody
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” ~Sir Winston Churchill
“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ~Winston Churchill
“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.” ~Oprah Winfrey
“A loud voice cannot compete with a clear voice, even if it’s a whisper.” ~Barry Neil Kaufman
“We do not remember days, we remember moments.” ~Cesare Pavese
“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.” ~ Seneca
“We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.” ~Earl Nightingale
“80% of success is what you feed your mind.” ~ Dr. Richard M. Krawczyk
“The person who has no imagination has no wings.” ~ Muhammad Ali
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.
All teachers were reprimanded
- Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- I would not allow this student to breed.
- Your child has delusions of adequacy.
- Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
- This child has been working with glue too much.
- When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
- The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
- If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
- It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat 1,000,000 others.
- The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’
‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’
‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’
‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’
‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?’
‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket. ’
‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’
‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.’
‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’
‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’
‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.’
AND THE WINNER IS…‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’
Engineers Jokes:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” “The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! “The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” Hi George! Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. The first one said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.” Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” Both? “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they w ill each assume you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to the garage and get some work done.”
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
A group of trainee managers were given an exercise to determine the height of the flagpole out the front. As they stood around discussing trigonometry & Pythagoras & other methods of calculating the height, an engineer walked up & asked what the problem was. After hearing what was required he pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it down & measured it with a tape. “9.35 metres” he promptly said and then walked away. “Typical engineer” said the senior manager, “ask for the height and they give you the length.”
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.”
The hardware engineer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off.
The software engineer went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.
“I want them both back after lunch” replied the project manager.
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